Motherhood: What it really feels like, what it takes.

One of the most important quests of my life is to figure out what does it mean to be a good mother. I can't claim I am perfect, because I know that I am very far from that, but I try my best as much as I can, and take advantage of that still very new experience in my life without regretting the things I might have missed or did wrong. Let's admit it, nobody prepares you for being a parent, and it is hella hard job. But the amount of love and happiness you get by being a mother is something very hard to describe in words and only fully understandable if you are a parent yourself. 

I have to be honest with you, I am more of a career person than a devoted parent type. Especially during the first months after birth I felt like this is totally not my thing and I just wanted to have everything "back to normal". Those days were filled with a lot of health issues and depressions for me (the baby was perfectly fine, just my own shit came up), so I couldn't quite enjoy the new state of being a mother at all. Later on it started getting better, but I still felt like there is no end to the diaper/crying/feeding routine. I felt like I was trapped in a cycle of basic actions and there was no more time left for my interests and needs. So passed the first year and it finally got better. I started to do this and that, which included shootings, analog photography, design... This got me occupied and I found a way to have a time for my own things.


I feel like this is actually something people are really ashamed to talk about. Like, there is no social approval for mothers that don't enjoy their duty. It is preset that all mothers should show happiness and euphoria about having babies 24/7, non-stop. Changing diapers or dealing with crying, vomits and other nasty and exhausting stuff is kept unspoken (highly discussed on motherhood forums only). On Instagram you see only happy young and fit mothers of three, full vegan, full yoga with flawless makeup and hair done. But in real life I see too many women that are extremely far from those expectations, looking like they were hit by a truck with some impressive dark circles under their eyes, and a still stare focused at one point. Motherhood is hard and there is nothing fancy about it. Yet we all make it through (and many not even once) because we all know that we are getting something very special at the end.


Oh, by the way, I can't really take all credits for raising up Mira, because most of them actually go to Sergii. He was the one that had sleepless nights when she was ill and comforted her to sleep when she was crying from toothing. He is a father I have never had myself and I can't be more thankful to Sergii that he became such a devoted parent, giving all his love and care to Mira when I couldn't. You might probably also want to blame me for not being there on a sleepless night (as I do), but unfortunately due to my health conditions I can't skip a sleep or otherwise it will make things worse. That's why the first months were so hard for me. So teaming up was the best decision we could make, and I can't not say enough how blessed I am to have such a loving and supporting husband. 

Don't get me wrong, after all said it may seem like a struggle (ok, it was a kind of), but there were so many positive moments with my little baby Mira, I actually miss those days now a lot because she grew up so fast! There are other good and hard things that took over, but at this age I started to enjoy our more thoughtful interaction as she can hold a conversation already. She makes jokes and also tries to make scenes, which can be very annoying, but also very funny at the same time. We believe that she will be either a singer or an actress. Those seem to be her best talents so far :) 


I see a personality there in her, I see so many features from her father and that makes me love her even better (if I even can). She likes sushi as much as I do, and she pretends using makeup to make herself pretty, the same way her mother does. She is a good and smart girl, my most precious little person, and I can't imagine my life without her now. I might not be a perfect mother, I might be very career-focused indeed, but I try my best and it is incredibly exciting to see my child grow and that is honestly the most satisfying thing about being a parent.